Friday, September 4, 2009

My Problem

My biggest stumbling block in trying to lose weight and get healthy is me.

For so long, I have beat myself up. Talked myself down. I have convinced myself that I am not worth the time or effort or expense.

I realized how deeply ingrained this is when I read a statement on the blog that Marlene introduced us to. I went back to see her from the beginning. And I read a statement about how she would not buy clothes when she was at her heaviest because a little voice would tell her that she wasn't worth the money.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been shopping and I either don't buy anything or I buy something that I really don't like but it is cheaper. I can hear that voice in my head saying "Why spend the money when it will look like crap anyway?" For many, many years, I didn't darken the door of a salon because I didn't feel worth the expense.

No wonder I felt like I looked like crap. Because I did! I didn't bother with doing my hair or putting on makeup or even painting my toenails. (And I dearly love my toenails painted!!) I didn't bother because I never felt worth the time or effort or expense.

I wasn't even worth the effort to eat right. We all know that eating right takes time and preparation. I didn't even feel like I was worth that.

Vol Fan and I have this little thing that we do. If I am in the kitchen and he walks by and grabs a handful of my fanny, I'll say "Watch it, mister. That's my ass!" Stupid, I know. But it's what we do;) Somewhere along the line, my reply has morphed into "That's my fat ass!"

When we are intimate, I freeze up if he touches my stomach. That same little voice in my head tells me how unattractive that stomach has to be to him.

I have got to stop this destructive voice from playing and replaying in my head.

So I am trying to retrain that little voice to encourage rather than discourage. I have gone back to "that's my ass" in my reply to Vol Fan. If I am having a good hair day, I tell myself just how good it looks.

If I'm not having a good day in the looks department, I find something else to focus on. Last week, Pita told me I was the best aunt ever, almost as good as Santa Claus. So I grabbed on to that for a few days.

I will retrain that voice because I am worth it. And so are you.


  1. That's it!!! I can not begin to tell you how many very bad tapes I have in my mind that I must constantly turn off in order to make it...even when I was eating badly and not exercising. I am slowly replacing those with healthy self talk and learning I am worth so much more than that.

    I allowed others to dictate what was being said because there was some pay off for me. If I listened to those very bad tapes and believed them, than I could continue to make bad decisions in my life. It was a win/win and I continued playing the victim in my own life.

    I am so proud of you for learning where your open holes are and for stopping yourself from believing them. Those tapes we play are ALL lies, you know....other's see the beauty in us and so must we.

    We must allow ourselves to be just who we are. We will never be perfect, but we can be the best imperfect person there is and I am totally cool with that.

    You are so loved and yes...I have to agree with inspire me soooooo much. I can never begin to thank you all enough for having this forum to come and share.

    If I can do it...then anyone can do it...all you have to do is make that first small step.

  2. I have some of those voices too Woody. Not as many as I used to. I'm 52 years old (yeah I know...I dont look it!)and this summer I went for a pedicure for the first time in my life! And then I went again and I may even go again! We have to like and love ourselves the most! And just so you know how you inspire others...I am turning Little T's old bedroom into a place where I can put my old excercise bike. I may even go on a real ride one day! So tell Santa when you see him OK? And yes WE ARE WORTH IT!

  3. Hey Honey! Just found this and I'm very excited to join!!

    I have that same voice - only mine's not about clothes. Mine is about my failed marriage and lack of relationship to date. (not going to cry, not going to cry).

    I think I still have a way to go yet.....but, like everything else that threw a stumbling block into my life - I will prevail.

    good greif - my word author....."obete".