My biggest stumbling block in trying to lose weight and get healthy is me.
For so long, I have beat myself up. Talked myself down. I have convinced myself that I am not worth the time or effort or expense.
I realized how deeply ingrained this is when I read a statement on the blog that Marlene introduced us to. I went back to see her from the beginning. And I read a statement about how she would not buy clothes when she was at her heaviest because a little voice would tell her that she wasn't worth the money.
I cannot tell you how many times I have been shopping and I either don't buy anything or I buy something that I really don't like but it is cheaper. I can hear that voice in my head saying "Why spend the money when it will look like crap anyway?" For many, many years, I didn't darken the door of a salon because I didn't feel worth the expense.
No wonder I felt like I looked like crap. Because I did! I didn't bother with doing my hair or putting on makeup or even painting my toenails. (And I dearly love my toenails painted!!) I didn't bother because I never felt worth the time or effort or expense.
I wasn't even worth the effort to eat right. We all know that eating right takes time and preparation. I didn't even feel like I was worth that.
Vol Fan and I have this little thing that we do. If I am in the kitchen and he walks by and grabs a handful of my fanny, I'll say "Watch it, mister. That's my ass!" Stupid, I know. But it's what we do;) Somewhere along the line, my reply has morphed into "That's my fat ass!"
When we are intimate, I freeze up if he touches my stomach. That same little voice in my head tells me how unattractive that stomach has to be to him.
I have got to stop this destructive voice from playing and replaying in my head.
So I am trying to retrain that little voice to encourage rather than discourage. I have gone back to "that's my ass" in my reply to Vol Fan. If I am having a good hair day, I tell myself just how good it looks.
If I'm not having a good day in the looks department, I find something else to focus on. Last week, Pita told me I was the best aunt ever, almost as good as Santa Claus. So I grabbed on to that for a few days.
I will retrain that voice because I am worth it. And so are you.